Giving thanks through trials

This time of year "thanks" is all the buzz word. We're reminded of the importance of thankfulness, of turning our hearts toward gratitude in an effort to refocus on the important. We try desperately to prepare our hearts for the upcoming holiday season, wanting this year to be different.

Listing our thanks, putting pen to paper in an effort to recognize our blessings certainly makes us more aware. Some things come easily, no effort required to give thanks. Family, friends, a job we love, a home to share, a full pantry. These are easy. Smiles on our faces, we lift our hands and say, "Thank you Lord!"

But what about the "blessings" that don't come so easily? What about the ones that look nothing like blessings at all, but instead come wrapped in messiness and pain? Lamentations 3:37 reminds us that nothing happens unless the Lord allows it. If we believe the Lord's plans for us are for good and not for evil and that nothing will happen to us that He will not use, then isn't it safe to say that the pain is also a gift? A messy blessing bestowed on us by the Giver of all good things? Is it possible to move from viewing our struggle as simple a source of pain to part of His plan to show us more of himself?

I don't want to simply thank Him when it's easy. To stand before the Creator of the Universe listing off my thanks like a Christmas wish list, but to kneel in reverance in the midst of pain. To stand, hands raised and tears streaming because I know nothing we experience is ever wasted. Nothing we go through cannot be used by the One who allows it to happen. 

The only way I've found to live out this type of gratitude is knowing where to keep my focus. Eyes on my circumstances leads to fear, worry and despair. In a moment's time it will suck me under. That's all it takes and before I know it I am consumed with everything but thanksgiving. Eyes on my Savior means there is no room for despair, no time for worry. How can I marvel at his faithfulness while allowing fear to consume me? The two can't exsist together. Focusing on God's goodness opens my eyes in a new way to my circumstances and I begin to see Him in it all. In every single ugly, gut wrenching detail. And I give thanks.

Thanks for the niceties makes us feel warm and fuzzy. Thanks for the heartbreaking, the unexpected, the stuff that leaves you reeling...that type of understanding brings you to a whole new level of gratitude and allows you to see God in ways you never expected. Warm and fuzzy is nice, but hearing the heartbeat of Jesus and feeling Him holding your hand trumps warm and fuzzy any day.

Perspective

Life is about perspective. Oftentimes we get so caught up in the dailiness of our own lives or intensity of our own struggles that we can easily lose perspective or allow that perspective to become skewed. Looking outside of ourselves is a good reality check.

A friend posted today that their family received a letter from the recipient of her son's corneas and the joy it brought them to know Nick lives on in others.

Perspective.

Attending the funeral of a precious 14 year old friend taken home to be with Jesus in his sleep.

Perspective.

The "C" word creeping into the lives of too many people I know.

Perspective.

Walking the dark road of depression with someone I love.

Perspective.


When life doesn't make sense, when things happen that we just can't wrap our minds around, we come to a crossroads. We can turn away, disillusioned and defeated or we can turn to the One who can somehow help us make sense of it all. 

Turn and lean deeply into Him.  

And in the quiet we hear him whisper "I have a plan in the pain. I'm writing their story - your story - and this part, no matter how hard, is just another chapter."

In the leaning and the whispering we find a new perspective...one that gives us hope again.

Homeschooling and depression

Dealing with depression is tough.  Homeschooling is tough.  Put the two together and well, let's just say it has the potential for the perfect storm. Looking back over that year, I know it was only by the grace of God that my kids learned anything in the academic realm.  However, they learned incredible life lessons about dealing with depression, loving people through their struggles, pitching in as a family and praying for one another.  Those are lessons that simply can't be learned in a textbook.  

While I couldn't control the depression, there were some things we could control to keep the learning progressing forward.

1. Make a plan.  If you're currently struggling with depression this one probably made you laugh out loud.  The planning side of our brains seems to shut down when we're depressed. I'm not talking about planning out the whole year here.  Just do a skeleton list of what you would like them to accomplish for the day or week.  Baby steps.  This outline will allow you to keep them on track and to see that you really are making progress, even on your worst days.

2. Keep it simple.  Let go of all the "extra" subjects for awhile.  Yes, your kids will survive without Latin, history, science and literature study until you feel ready to tackle those subjects again.  Stick to the basics - bible, math, reading and writing.  They will be OK...I promise.  Apply the idea of simplicity to as many areas of your life as possible - meals, extra curricular activities, ministry involvement.  Say no to the extras so you can say yes to getting better.

3. Do the next thing.  Depression leaves you feeling like you're in a fog.  The decision making, driven part of the brain seems to shut down, even for us Type A personalities.  I remember standing in my kitchen one day knowing there were many things I needed to be doing, but unable to figure out for the life of me what that looked like.  Then I thought of the old saying, "Just do the next thing."  If you have a skeleton schedule or to-do list, just do what comes next and you won't have to think too much. When you're depressed, that's a very good thing.

4. Give yourself grace.  Struggling through depression is tough enough without beating yourself up for all you're NOT doing.  Give yourself grace, knowing this is just a season.  There will come a time when you can once again do all the things you did before.  Or you might just find that some of what you let go should never have been on your plate in the first place.  

5. Reach out.  I've said this before, but it bears repeating a thousand times - There is no shame in suffering from depression. The only shame is remaining silent.  Find a safe place to share your struggle - your spouse, friend, counselor.  You aren't meant to carry this burden alone.  Don't give in to the shaming voices encouraging you to keep silent.   Allowing others to walk alongside you brings beauty from the ashes and can turn what the enemy intended for evil into something truly beautiful.

Depression recovery - the long road - Part 2

Finding someone who knew a thing or two about female hormones proved to be quite the challenge.  As I mentioned in yesterday's post about my road to recovery, the medical doctors I visited all wanted to treat what they saw as the problem of depression.  Medications helped a bit, but came with their own set of side affects which were not at all pleasant.

Finding a more natural way to handle the depression meant figuring out the root cause.  I still believed the depression was not the problem, but a symptom of a bigger issue.  I asked on several occasions to have my hormones tested, but was met with resistance from the medical doctors.  I still don't know why, but I believe it was just a lack of knowledge on their part.  They are trained to prescribe...and so they do.

The first thing the midwife suggested was saliva testing for hormone levels.  The saliva tests cortisol levels (morning, noon and night), estrogen, progesterone and several other minor hormones.  Each of these hormones acts in accordance with the other, so if one of them is out of whack, they will all be affected.  Sure enough, my cortisol levels ("fight or flight" stress hormone) were off the charts.  As a result, the high levels of cortisol had depleted my progesterone levels. Low progesterone levels lead to an excess of estrogen, or "estrogen dominance".  One of the main symptoms of both estrogen dominance and high cortisol?  DEPRESSION!

The saliva test results are then used by your doctor to prescribe natural hormones specific for your needs.  This is key.  You can go to Whole Foods or any other health foods store and purchase a progesterone cream (made from wild yams), but it will be generic and not specifically made for your hormone levels.  The natural progesterone is mixed in a compounding pharmacy to your doctor's exact specifications for your exact hormonal needs.

NOTE: If you are struggling with depression, feelings of hopelessness or suicidal thoughts, please seek help immediately.  Don't wait!  Anti-depressants are useful for helping curb the symptoms of depression, allowing you to regain some control of your life and emotions.  I couldn't even begin to search for answers until I dealt with the immediate and overwhelming need right in front of me.  Anti-depressants helped me heal enough that I could take control of my own recovery.

Links and helpful resources:

Take the hormone balance test and find out if your symptoms are due to hormone imbalance.

Hormone Balance Made Simple, by Dr. John Lee.  Dr. Lee explains the delicate balance of our hormones in language you can understand.

ZRT Laboratories offers the hormone kits for sale.  You can take the test in the privacy of your home and then take your results to your healthcare provider.

Depression recovery - the long road - Part 1

One of the things I've not written much about is the physical recovery related to my depression. Of course the first step after waking up and realizing I was deeply depressed was to go see my doctor; my OB-GYN, you know, the ones who are suppose to know everything about the female body?  I'll never forget sitting across the desk from him, tears streaming down my face and hearing him say, "I'm not sure what to do.  I've never seen anyone so depressed."  Um, NOT the words you want to hear from the person you thought could help you.  I could write an entire post on why someone like that should not be a doctor, but I'll save it!

After trying a couple of other doctors, I quickly realized I was going to have to fight for my own recovery.  My naivety had me believing doctors knew everything.  I trusted them to fix me.  When they couldn't, I knew I had to become my own advocate.

The problem was doctors looked at me and saw the depression as the problem.  They are then trained to fix the problem.  Their fix for depression was to subscribe an anti-depressant.  As the doctors struggled to find the right medication, I repeatedly tried to tell them the depression was not the problem, but a SYMPTOM of the problem.  They were treating it as if it were the culprit rather than the after-math of something bigger.  They are trained to prescribe medication...to put band-aids on gushing wounds.  I wasn't willing to settle for a band-aid.

Let me stop right here and say there is nothing wrong with anti-depressants.  They helped me get to a place where I could function and begin to fight for my own recovery.  Having said that, they are not the be-all, end-all for someone suffering from depression, but I'll save that for another post.

My determination, or maybe it was desperation, sent me in search of answers.  How is it possible to go to bed one night OK and wake up the next morning in a deep depression?  What CAUSED this?  What could be done to correct the root problem, not simply medicate the symptom?  As I sought answers it quickly became clear that traditional medicine was not going to point me to the right solution.

A year after starting my struggle, I found a certified nurse mid-wife who specialized in natural hormone therapy; someone who listened to my symptoms and within five minutes said, "I know exactly what is causing this and we can fix it."  I cried...this time the tears were not from depression, but relief.  Hope shown brightly on this very dark place.  This was the beginning of my recovery from depression.

And so I blog...

I started blogging way back when.  I honestly can't even remember how long it's been...best guess is going on ten years now. My early blogging days were filled with newborn induced sleepless posts, potty training thoughts, political rants and endless photo opps of my adorable children.  Oh, and coffee...there's always been the coffee.  

Blogging 'gurus' will tell you to hone in on one thing; to focus your blog so that readers with similar interests can connect with you, allowing you to build a reader base.  Nope.  That's not why I blog.  Blogging is a creative outlet for whatever happens to be rolling around in my brain. Scary isn't it?  There's no rhyme or reason - It's real life in real time.  With me, what you see is what you get.  Obviously the topics I've covered have changed over the years because, well, I've changed.  There are topics that have come up that I would have never considered blogging about when I started this journey.  Things life's thrown our way that have woven their way into the fabric of our family.

Depression, though not at all on my radar way back when, has certainly shaped me into who I am today.  Journaling the struggle helped to process each piece as the LORD peeled back the layers of the onion called my life.  As I sit here now, I can't imagine who I would be had that not been part of my journey and I am grateful.

Our homeschool journey has come a long way over the years as well.  While we've just finished teaching our last little one to read, we've also jumped head long into the world of Algebra 2, puberty and other equally scary things!  We still love homeschooling, but the terrain looks a whole lot different than those days when art projects littered the table, hours were spent at the library and colored counting bears were how we rolled.

Through the years of blogging one thing that remains constant is JESUS.  I've always loved blogging about things He's teaching me through His Word and other amazing people He places in my life.  That hasn't changed, because He never changes.  Without Him none of the other moments matter.  He is the lens through which each of the other moments is viewed; bringing each part of my life into focus, weaving it into who I am becoming...and so I blog.

Thanking God when He says No

The last couple of weeks have been full of people and situations to pray for.  So many family and friends faced with trials weighes heavy on my heart.  I hate to say I feel helpless...that all I can do is pray, but it's true.  I can't fix what they're going through.  I can love on them, make them dinner or help with their kids, but I can't change their current circumstances.  Only God can do that.  In my helplessness, His strength is made perfect.  When there is nothing I can do, He can do everything.  That changes my feeling of helplessness to one of surrender.  I can take my friends to the foot of the Cross.  I can intercede for their circumstances, trusting in the One who knows their need...the One who loves them infinitely more than I do.

A friend who'd been praying with me over several of these situations mentioned how much I had to thank God for this past week.  True, three of the situations ended with answered prayer.  By answered prayer I mean "answered in the way we prayed".  While I thanked Him for answering, I had to check my heart.  What if the situations had ended in a way we hadn't prayed for?  Would I still thank Him?  Would I trust Him enough to understand that His ways are higher than mine; that His plan is so much greater?  Yes, I had a lot to thank Him for, but if I truly trust Him, then shouldn't I be thanking Him regardless of the outcome? 

Let's be real - It's not easy to thank Him through despression, or cancer or relationship challenges, but in doing so I'm expressing my heart's surrender to His plan...His PERFECT plan.  I may not have been thankful at the time for the depression in my life, but through it all I am very thankful for what He did to change me.  I am thankful for the molding and shaping that took place through those darkest of nights; those nights when I felt the sun may never rise again.  It taught me to be thankful for the promise of a sunrise.  I'm thankful that from the ashes of depression He was able to bring something beautiful to life again. 

Thanking Him regardless of His answer is the truest expression of thanks.

Miss Scarlett, Miss Scarlett!

Today's a funny day of sorts.  Our first day back to school is going well...insane, but well.  No, that is not an oxymoron.  We're still laughing and speaking to each other, so overall I'd say it's been a success.

Today also marks the three year anniversary of Fred's first visit.  I went to bed on August 7th oblivious to the coming storm and woke up August 8th in a deep depression. 

Talk about a bad day. 

It took about a year to get him to leave, but thankfully he finally did.  I can feel a bit of anxiety flitting about the edges of my mind today, but I'm trying not to give it any playing time.  Today I'm glad for busyness...it doesn't leave much room for reflection.  Reflection can be good for the soul, but the right timing and perspective are critical or it just might suck you back under. 

So in the words of Scarlett O'Hara, "I'll think about it tomorrow.  After all, tomorrow is another day!"  Now where DID I put my big hat?

Faith in faith

Faith is a funny thing.  Hebrews 11:1 defines it as "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  The question we have to answer is are we putting our faith in faith, or in God?  When we pray, do we trust Him to act?  More importantly, do we trust Him if he doesn't?

"...faith in God is not simply faith in what God can do.  But it's the belief that God is God whether he delivers us or not.  He has the final say.  And it's our decision to choose to follow Him through it all."  Albert Lee

Do I trust Him if He never removes the shadow of depression?  Do I trust Him with my relationships?  Do I trust Him if His answer is slow in coming?  There are so many things I pray for on a daily basis; so many people I bring to Him.  I know He can act and I trust Him to, but in His time and in His way.  Our prayers ought always be followed with "LORD, help us to accept your perfect will and not cling so tightly to our own."  Not always easy to pray when it means letting go of what we think is best.

I can't even begin to understand the mind of Christ.  I don't know why some people He heals and some He doesn't.  Why children are allowed to hurt and good people suffer.  I don't know why He allows things to happen that seem so senseless.  His ways are higher than mine.  If I have faith purely in my faith, then these things would be incredibly discouraging.  But faith in God and His goodness means trusting and choosing to follow Him through it all.

LOTR and friendship

I am a HUGE Lord of the Rings movie fan. Did I mention HUGE? The films are rich with meaning and imagery, epic scenery and a host of uh-mAzing characters. We've been known to watch all three extended versions in a sitting. At four and a half hours each, that's a lot of sitting.

One of my favorite themes of the trilogy is friendship. There are enough examples and symbolism on that topic alone to keep me writing blog posts for months. My favorite example comes towards the end of number three, Return of the King. Frodo struggles to crawl up the side of Mt. Doom in a last ditch effort to rid himself of the Ring forever. Collapsing in the dirt he lays unmoving. Determined and forever faithful, Samwise picks Frodo up. Holding him in his arms, he rises slowly to his feet and declares, "Then let's be rid of it once and for all. I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you!"

Tears every time people! That one line epitomizes the essence of true friendship. Not the "Hi, how are you?" sort of friendship, but the gut-wrenching, slogging it out in the trenches sort of friendship. Such friendships don't come along often. More than likely, as in the case of Sam and Frodo, they are forged through conflict or shared difficulty. Out of the fire rises a bond that is not likely to be broken this side of heaven. You share memories and experiences that others don't understand.

I had a Samwise on my journey through depression. In addition to my amazing rock of a husband, this friend acknowledged she could not carry the burden for me, but was willing to carry me if necessary...and she did. I recognize the part that played in overcoming the depression that hung around my neck like Frodo's ring. Were it not for my Samwise, I'm not sure I would have made it through in one sane piece. But I did make it through...the sane part is still up for debate.

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

Thank you LORD for giving us people in our lives to share the load.

Take heart!

I've written quite a bit over the last two years about the unexpected visit we had in 2008 from Fred. Fred slipped in unannounced and stayed longer than any of us would have liked, but eventually he picked up and moved on. Hopefully we'll never see him again, but if he does decide to show his ugly self, we'll just have to deal with him.

In case you're wondering who the heck Fred is no, it's not an annoying relative or nosy neighbor. It's the name I gave my depression. Strange I know, but it fits. I came to the realization that oftentimes the fear of something is worse than recognizing and facing the fear head on...hence the naming of the "monster" called depression.

The strange thing about Fred's visit was not even dealing with him while he hung around, but cleaning up after he left. He was certainly NOT a tidy house guest! He left piles of things lying around, dust in the corners and a host of creepy things under the bed. Over the last couple of years I've tackled bits and pieces of these things, cleaning them up a bit at time. It's getting there, but I often wonder if all of him will ever be gone. Maybe, maybe not.

One thing I do know for sure is that the LORD gives me the strength and the grace to keep picking up the pieces; to continue the clean-up process one day at a time. Now that I think about it, I WON'T ever get it all done until I see my SAVIOR face to face. What a glorious day that will be! Freedom from the things that hold us back - free from cancer and depression, free from exhaustion and disappointment, free from our failures and shortcomings.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 Praise GOD for such an amazing promise!

So in case Fred tries to move in again, I'm armed and ready to kick his butt!

Hospital stays and God's inexplicable ways

No matter how much we plan, life often takes unexpected detours.

We have been planning for the last couple of months in anticipation of our church's inaugural service. Directing the kids ministry is an exciting opportunity and we couldn't wait to see how it all came together. We had planned. We had organized. We had worked and we had PRAYED, all along imagining how it would go.

Saturday night I ended up in the hospital and missed our first Sunday service. I'll spare you the details except to say I'm fine...and I do NOT make a good patient!

Now normally something like this would have sent me into an absolute tailspin, but thankfully the LORD has used the events of the last few years to grow my faith. If you've been reading for awhile, you may remember Fred and all his visit taught me. Because of faith lessons learned, I never had a moment of stress or worry about missing the service. Granted I was disappointed, but I knew the LORD's hand was in it all the way. My sudden trip to the hospital, though surprising to me, was not surprising to Him in the least. He knew it was coming and had allowed me to get everything done before getting sick. Everyone at church pitched in and it all went off without a hitch.

Commit your works to the LORD and your plans will
succeed." Proverbs 16:3

We had committed this ministry to Him from the outset, praying for guidance each step of the way. If the ministry was fully committed to Him, then this was part of His plan for its success. I don't know why He allowed it to happen when He did, but I trust His plan for my life and for the life of our new church....but being the curious person I am, I sure wish He would let me in on it!

My devotion on Monday summed up my weekend perfectly.

Even when God's ways are inexplicable, His love is reliable."

Amen to that!

Tornado clean up

Dealing with the aftermath of depression is much like cleaning up after a tornado. The event itself has passed, but you are left with an incredible amount of stuff to sift through.

Probably one of the most difficult parts of the clean up process has been the loss of my highly over active self-sufficient nature. My unspoken motto was "Just do it!" and I did. Got a job or a problem that needs fixing? I can do it! I'm your girl. My struggle with depression was one of the first things in my life (maybe THE first) that I couldn't handle on my own. Wow! Does that give you an idea of the level of my self-sufficiency? Depression brought me face to face with reality - HIS reality - the one that says "I can do it through HIS strength".

Letting go and relying solely on HIM has not been easy. Just bein' real here. I find myself procrastinating on things I would normally have tackled easily and attribute it to my new learning curve. The healing process is about relearning to use the gifts and talents He's given me, but in a way that honors Him.

Revelation chapter three has a message for the church at Laodicea. Remember, they were the ones God spit out of his mouth because they were so tepid. They didn't deny Christ and yet they weren't sold out for him either. They had become complacent and self-sufficient, not unlike many of us today. We may be serving in the church, having our daily quiet time and think we're moving along just fine when in reality we are relying solely on our own "I can do it!" attitude and not at all on the power of the Holy Spirit. Self-sufficiency leads to complacency in the things of God. We have to recognize these as tools the enemy uses to neutralize our power and then purpose to make a change.

So the clean up continues. I'm pretty sure the final product will look nothing like my "pre-tornado" self and hopefully more like He created me to be.

Sometimes it takes a tornado to set everything in its place.

Redefining ministry

One of the things the Lord taught me through my depression is that my striving FOR Him is useless, a chasing after the wind. Sound familiar? I spent years working in ministry, doing all I could do on my own power. The whole "my yoke is easy" concept...never really got that. In striving and dragging the yoke myself, I was worn out. As the years went by the baggage mounted, but keeping it as neat and tidy as possible, I continued to pull it along. My body, exhausted, finally gave up.

It was the best thing that could have happened to me.

I'm stubborn. Yes I am. If I had not come to that breaking point, I guarantee you I'd still be working like a crazy woman, dragging the yoke behind me in the name of "ministry".

My definition of ministry has changed drastically over the last year. I now realize as I truly abide in Him, I don't have to go looking for ministry opportunities. As I cease striving and keep my feet firmly planted on the path He has set before me, He brings those opportunities to me. Interestingly enough, I wonder how many opportunities I missed before because I was too busy working my fool head off for what I thought was ministry. Now don't get me wrong. I know some of what what took place over the last 20 years was true ministry, but honestly He had to get me out of the way before He could really use me. Unknowingly, ministry had become more about what I got out of it, than about His purposes and plans. Ouch!

I am thankful He is able to take my warped ideas and baggage and use them in some way for HIS ultimate glory. Ministry has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him...and that my friends is a very good thing.

Extreme Heart Makeover

Even though Fred may be gone, he seems to have left quite a mess in his wake...sort of like the clean up following a hurricane. The storm itself can be devastating, but what's left as a result is certainly no picnic. I think it's how we choose to deal with the clean up that determines what things look like after the fact. Do I rebuild the same house and put up the same decor, going on with life as I knew it, or do I start from scratch, rearranging and letting the Master Builder give me an Extreme Heart Makeover?

Honestly, rebuilding the familiar would be so much easier and a whole lot less messy. Quite frankly, at times that is exactly the route I want to take. I've lived there a long time. I know how everything looks. I know where the decorations go...it's comfortable and familiar. It makes me feel safe...very safe. One thing I've learned over the last year is that security of my own making is no security at all, but merely a temporary hiding place.

Giving over control of the rebuilding process is certainly no cake walk. I'm use to being in control. I like being in control...and what God has shown me is I stink at being in control! OK, so why then is it so difficult to give it up? Pride? Fear? Probably a large helping of both. I am working to replace those thoughts with His perfect promises. "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." II Cor. 12:9 Paul had this part figured out. He could say he actually boasted in his weakness so that Christ would be glorified. It's all part of the rebuilding process. I have to be willing to let go of my blue print and trust completely in His perfect plan.

Lord, help me get to that point that You will be glorified. To give over the fear and allow you to replace it with contentment as you rebuild this house to Your exact specifications.

Jesus bring the rain!

Life can be tough. Sometimes for no apparent reason we struggle through a seemingly endless array of difficulties. Is there a reason? Is there a purpose in our pain? With all life has dealt me over the past few months, I can answer a resounding YES!

There is a two-fold reason we face trials - that we will grow to spiritual maturity and that God will be glorified above all else. If that is the case, I would not trade a moment of what I've been through...not even the darkest. For it was in the very lowest moments He carried me closest to His heart. Am I growing? I believe so. Is He being glorified? That is my fervent prayer.

So if my pain brings Him even a fraction of the glory He deserves, then I say, "Jesus bring the rain!"

Hope

I'm feeling a bit "Rip Van Winklish", as if I have just woken up from an extraordinarily long nap. The sun seemed to shine a bit brighter today and the coffee tasted sweeter. I do believe the color is returning to my world. Maybe not as quickly as I would like, but returning nonetheless.

God is faithful to His promises.

Baby steps

Recovery from anything always seems to take longer than I would like. Must be the impatient part of my type A personality.

I remember after having each of my kids wanting to get back to normal much more quickly than I was actually able. Yes, I made the same mistake...four times. In my haste for normalcy I would attempt to get back to doing what I had done pre-pregnancy. I always paid for it the next day and usually ended up spending it back in bed. What can I say? I'm a bit of a hard head...those who know me stop nodding your heads!

Maybe I've learned a thing or two in dealing with my depression recovery. I want desperately to feel normal again, but I know it's going to take time. One thing I have not been able to do in the last six months is make a "to-do" list. Sure, there were things to do, I just didn't care whether they got done or not and had no motivation whatsoever to write them down, let alone check them off.

Today I made a "to-do" list with just three things on it. I know there were more things I could have added, but I'm trying to be realistic.

You know what? I was able to cross all three of them off. Unless you've dealt with depression, you probably don't realize what a big deal that is, but let me tell you - it's a big deal.

Tomorrow maybe I'll go for four, but I don't want to push it. Baby steps.

God knows my favorite color

I sat staring out at the cold morning. The world seemed bathed in a thick, gray blanket. Gnarled oak limbs stood in stark contrast to the sky. The Master Painter had chosen a monochromatic color scheme to create the day.

The picture outside my window matched the picture in my soul. I felt as if a wet blanket had been placed around my shoulders, forcing me to bend under its weight. Rain fell against the window, mirroring my tears.

Out of the corner of my eye a flash of red broke through the darkness as a cardinal lit on a nearby branch. I stared at him, afraid to move. His beauty stood out brilliantly against the sea of gray. It was as if God was saying, "It won't always be this way. Your world will be colorful again. Trust the picture I am painting of your life."

Did I mention my favorite color is red?

Depression has a name

Sometimes the fear of not knowing something is scarier than actually knowing the monster and giving it a name. My monster now has a name. I don't have to wonder if it will jump out of the closet and consume me anymore. I can face it head on and deal with it. There is comfort in this approach, even if the monster itself is still fairly scary.

I found a new doctor today who was able to tell me why I am depressed and what we need to do to fix it. Seems I've been on a medication for the last six months that was only dealing with a small fraction of my symptoms. I can't even explain the immense relief I feel knowing that behind the monster is a light, however dim it may appear at the moment...I know it's there.

I know I will get better. Knowing that makes it all a little less scary...and that monster? I think I'll name him Fred.