Baby steps

Recovery from anything always seems to take longer than I would like. Must be the impatient part of my type A personality.

I remember after having each of my kids wanting to get back to normal much more quickly than I was actually able. Yes, I made the same mistake...four times. In my haste for normalcy I would attempt to get back to doing what I had done pre-pregnancy. I always paid for it the next day and usually ended up spending it back in bed. What can I say? I'm a bit of a hard head...those who know me stop nodding your heads!

Maybe I've learned a thing or two in dealing with my depression recovery. I want desperately to feel normal again, but I know it's going to take time. One thing I have not been able to do in the last six months is make a "to-do" list. Sure, there were things to do, I just didn't care whether they got done or not and had no motivation whatsoever to write them down, let alone check them off.

Today I made a "to-do" list with just three things on it. I know there were more things I could have added, but I'm trying to be realistic.

You know what? I was able to cross all three of them off. Unless you've dealt with depression, you probably don't realize what a big deal that is, but let me tell you - it's a big deal.

Tomorrow maybe I'll go for four, but I don't want to push it. Baby steps.

Extreme randomness at its finest

OK, I keep getting tagged with this meme, so I thought I'd better attempt to come up with 25 random things about myself. Plus, I know you will all sleep better knowing such useless information.

1. Stating the obvious - I love coffee.

2. Dark chocolate, no milk chocolate. Once you go over to the dark side, you'll never go back.

3. Hanging out at the pool with my family and friends is one of my favorite things.

4. The color red makes me happy.

5. I'm fairly organized, but have to work at it.

6. I color my hair...but who doesn't?

7. I wish I could play the piano.

8. I'm not looking forward to my next birthday.

9. Blogging is my creative outlet.

10. I tend to be a bit sarcastic, but I'm working on it.

11. I use to teach Jr. High and loved it. Hence the need for sarcasm.

12. I've been married 17 years to my best friend.

13. We met and started dating when I was 16...I bet you're doing the math on that one.

14. I'm a homebody at heart.

15. My favorite outfit is my comfy sweatpants.

16. Math? Not so much.

17. I enjoy cooking and trying new recipes, but rarely follow what is written.

18. Allrecipes.com is my favorite site.

19. I love homeschooling...most days.

20. I love being a mom...most days.

21. I couldn't survive without my family and best friends...well, maybe I could, but life would sure be dull.

22. If I could, I would get a pedicure and a massage once a week.

23. I love road trips with my family.

24. I could watch the Lord of the Rings Trilogy over and over...oh wait, I have.

25. Perfect vacation? One with no schedule or agenda and a really great book...throw in a beach and some little umbrella drinks and there you have it.

I won't tag anyone else, but if you make your own list let me know so I can learn some completely random things about you too!

God knows my favorite color

I sat staring out at the cold morning. The world seemed bathed in a thick, gray blanket. Gnarled oak limbs stood in stark contrast to the sky. The Master Painter had chosen a monochromatic color scheme to create the day.

The picture outside my window matched the picture in my soul. I felt as if a wet blanket had been placed around my shoulders, forcing me to bend under its weight. Rain fell against the window, mirroring my tears.

Out of the corner of my eye a flash of red broke through the darkness as a cardinal lit on a nearby branch. I stared at him, afraid to move. His beauty stood out brilliantly against the sea of gray. It was as if God was saying, "It won't always be this way. Your world will be colorful again. Trust the picture I am painting of your life."

Did I mention my favorite color is red?

Rocks rule!

6:30 came early on this Saturday morning. The wind whistling around the house indicated the promised cold front had arrived while we slept. As Mike rolled over and slapped the alarm clock, we tried to decide who would be forced to crawl out from under the warm covers and take Greyson to his early morning basketball game. The only logically course of action was Rock, Paper, Scissors.


Suffice it to say I'm sitting here in my cozy sweats, drinking a hot cup of coffee. Rocks rule!

Prayer request

I just found out a sweet friend's daughter took her own life. Please keep their family in your prayers as they walk through the pain of this terrible loss.

He is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Proverbs 34:18

Depression has a name

Sometimes the fear of not knowing something is scarier than actually knowing the monster and giving it a name. My monster now has a name. I don't have to wonder if it will jump out of the closet and consume me anymore. I can face it head on and deal with it. There is comfort in this approach, even if the monster itself is still fairly scary.

I found a new doctor today who was able to tell me why I am depressed and what we need to do to fix it. Seems I've been on a medication for the last six months that was only dealing with a small fraction of my symptoms. I can't even explain the immense relief I feel knowing that behind the monster is a light, however dim it may appear at the moment...I know it's there.

I know I will get better. Knowing that makes it all a little less scary...and that monster? I think I'll name him Fred.

Peace and depression - an oxymoron?

"If I am fearfully and wonderfully made, how come
I'm so screwed up?"

Wow. That's something to think on isn't it? I know Psalm 139...I trust God's word is Truth, so why am I so messed up? Why is my thinking so skewed? Why am I dealing with all this crap?

I exhaust myself trying to find answers...answers that just aren't there, or if so are extremely elusive. Are the answers important, or is simply asking the question enough? Will knowledge change the outcome?

I know God is in this. His promise to me in the beginning is all I have.

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, whose thoughts are fixed on you." Isaiah 26:3.

Know it by heart...quote it in my sleep. I'm struggling today to see how peace fits in with depression. It seems a complete oxymoron to have peace in the midst of depression. The very definition of depression is lack of peace. If I had peace it would seem that I would not then be depressed. Makes sense to me.

Faith is believing in what we can't see, or for that matter understand. This is my ultimate test of faith...believing His promise for peace while fighting my battle with depression.

Carboard testimonies

"None of us have to be defined anymore by who we use to be. We can all have a new identity." from Cardboard Testimonies

We have all been saved from something. For some of us, maybe we're even in the process of being saved. This video is an amazing reminder of God's redemptive work in our lives. Thank you Julie for sharing it with me. http://www.rhchurch.org/pages/cardboard-testimonies/

God and Starbucks

Most of us are creatures of habit. We go to bed at roughly the same time. Get up at the same time. Keep our morning and evening routines the same. Seems to give us some measure of security I guess.

Thursday mornings Lindsay and I workout at 5:30 and then head to Starbucks. It's become our routine of sorts. Every week we see the same man, sitting at the same table with his Venti coffee, copy of the Dallas Morning News and his HP laptop. He has chosen to start his day at Starbucks. He has made it a priority.

Got me to thinking about how I start most mornings. Not at Starbucks, but most often with a cup of fresh brewed coffee, my comfy chair and my Bible. I have to CHOOSE time with God over sleep or it won't happen. Just like I have to choose to drag myself out of bed and go to the gym. The list of to-do's, should do's and would-like to-do's could easily squeeze out my time with the Lord, unless I make it a priority...like the man at Starbucks.

What's on your priority list today? Hopefully spending time in the Word is near the top. If not, maybe it's time to rearrange some things. Remember, we spend time on what's important to us. What could be more important than time with the Creator who loves you? Nothing I can think of...not even Starbucks.

Chew on this - Spiritual temperature

The best thermometer of your spiritual temperature is the intensity of your prayer.

~ C.H. Spurgeon ~

Chew on this

"We are never closer to defeat than in our moments of greatest victory."

Redecorating

Doing a little blog remodel. Please bear with me. Let me know what you think.

If you give a four year old a camera...

...you never know WHAT you will get! Here is Emma's view of life through the lens.

Trading truth for a lie

Probably the biggest problem as a Christian with depression is trading truth for lies. The enemy knows when we are weak. He knows where to hit us and he does, with everything in his arsenal. And somewhere in our desperate search for normalcy we find it easier to believe what he's selling.

"You're a failure."

"You're going to struggle with this forever."

"What's the point in fighting?"

"(insert lie here)."

We're feeling it, so it must be true, right? Wrong! When you're depressed, feelings don't make sense. Heck, half the time feelings don't make sense when you're NOT depressed. You have to fight the lies with what you know to be TRUE, despite how you're feeling. Giving even a little playing time to those thoughts will cause them to escalate into full fledged ideas that take root in our hearts and minds, masquerading as truth. Before we know it, we have traded Truth for a lie.

Today is a hard day. No sleep last night makes it harder to cope and easier to believe what he's selling. If I choose to believe it, even for a second, I would curl up on the sofa and stay there all day.

I am choosing instead to believe God's Word, regardless of how I feel.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, whose thoughts are fixed on you. Isaiah 26:3

The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath is the everlasting arms. Deuteronomy 33:27

Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will know no fear. Even if they attack me, I remain confident. Psalm 27:3-4

These things I know beyond a shadow of a doubt to be true. So take that devil!

Four year old heart melting moments

Emma and her brother were apparently counting their cash this afternoon, planning what they might do with it all. Finding themselves a little short, she came running into the room. "Mommy, we need to have a garage door sale to make money!" She seemed a bit puzzled when I told her I had no intention of selling my garage door!

Four year olds are the best.

**Just after posting this entry, little Emma came into the office to tell me she had cleaned up the kitchen. Huh? I went in to find she had indeed cleaned up and put all the food away that we had left on the counter from our afternoon of grazing AND taken out the trash. She said, "I a mommy like you." OK, let me say it again - Four year olds are the best and this one melts my heart!